Learning

Life changes faster than most of realize.  Whether it's little things such as a brand of potato chip we like no longer being available or the loss of a loved one, those changes and how we handle them are what eventually define us and our character to those around us.  Sometimes, however, changes can bring upon unintended consequences.

I've changed in the past few years in more ways than I realized.  This realization has led me to where I am today, which, is not where I'm looking to be if I'm being honest.  A few weeks ago it suddenly dawned on me that I had been showing signs of depression.  Upon further thought I now believe that I'm still showing the signs.  This led me to two places.  1.) An online search for depression tests, and 2.) A meeting with my family (parents and grandparents in my case).  The most surprising part to me was their reaction; apparently I changed two plus years ago and everyone saw it but me.  It was then I knew how true it was that sometimes, people just have to figure things out on their own.

Looking at things with a clear mind, I know that this was something that started years before anyone else even knows.  I don't know how it is with other people, but for me this wasn't an over-night thing.  This was a very, very long time building and I can only guess it's not going to be an overnight change either.  The one thing I do know for sure, since it's not a chemical imbalance in my body that's causing this, there's not a chance in fuck I'm going to be using medication in order to help me. (I'm not at risk of harming myself or others just to put any of those thoughts at rest)  I'm looking to solve and fix the problems, not push them into the background so they can come back at some inopportune time.

I've already began taking steps in what I believe is the correct direction.  The first was obviously to come to terms with what's going on with me.  To put my pride aside, ignore the social stigma (especially for men) that can come with admitting you have problems you can't handle alone, and telling those around me what's going on regardless of their reaction.  The second has been to reach out to people and ask as many questions as possible.  People who've suffered depression, those who've sought counseling and therapy when they came to hurdles they couldn't cross alone, and to attempt to repair some relationships while putting others to bed in a way that's healthy.

Apparently in the past two years is when this began manifesting into the problem that it is now.  Not surprising, during that time I've gone through three relationships with three women who are all great but knew I wasn't being who I'd presented when they met me.  I've been doing a great job at acting the part of the person I had been and still thought I was but eventually the problems in my mind would present them-self in one fashion or another and the game would be over.  I hold no ill will towards them as if I met a women (actually did while trying to piece all this together) who acted in a similar fashion I'd probably do the same thing.  The one thing that has been great about the whole experience (gotta take what good I can right?) Is that I've met three amazing people who in-turn introduced me to other amazing people who I still talk to today.  (One of which is a person as mentioned above who's there to answer questions that arise.)

So where do I go from here....Forward!  While I don't have all the tools I know I need yet, what I do have is people who are willing to listen and willing to help, a change in attitude due to the awareness of what's going on, and a general direction to move in.  The first steps upon entering into the unknown are always the first.  Well I'm about 100feet in now and smiling at the possibilities.
-J

My entrance into the world of blogging!

I know a few people who've entered into the world of blogging and each of them had the same advice...pick a topic and stick to it!  Well, unfortunately A.) I'm not very good at doing what I'm told, and B.) Sticking to a single topic is not the type of person that I am so why would I want to change for this?

All this being said, here's what to expect when reading my thoughts.  1.)  My proper use of the English language is more than a little rough.   I'm not afraid to admit that I have trouble with things like Then/Than and punctuation so while I'll try to get it right, if you're looking for something written by an English professor you may want to pick someone else's writing to follow.  2.)  I may use salty language from time to time.  I use it in my every day life and I find sometimes it's needed to make a point.  I'm not looking to enter into any news columns so what the hell?  Why not present myself as I am?  3.) This will cover a range of topics from current events, sports, and general observations I see while living in this crazy world.  The title of this wasn't an accident, my mind wanders constantly and those thoughts are what you're going to get.

As I stated, this is my first entrance into something like this.  I've never been afraid of debate or criticism so if you have something to say about my posts, let it rip.  I won't write anything I don't honestly believe but at the same time, things change and I'm not one to stick to something just for the sake of saving face.  Now, to pick one of the many topics floating around in my melon....