Learning

Life changes faster than most of realize.  Whether it's little things such as a brand of potato chip we like no longer being available or the loss of a loved one, those changes and how we handle them are what eventually define us and our character to those around us.  Sometimes, however, changes can bring upon unintended consequences.

I've changed in the past few years in more ways than I realized.  This realization has led me to where I am today, which, is not where I'm looking to be if I'm being honest.  A few weeks ago it suddenly dawned on me that I had been showing signs of depression.  Upon further thought I now believe that I'm still showing the signs.  This led me to two places.  1.) An online search for depression tests, and 2.) A meeting with my family (parents and grandparents in my case).  The most surprising part to me was their reaction; apparently I changed two plus years ago and everyone saw it but me.  It was then I knew how true it was that sometimes, people just have to figure things out on their own.

Looking at things with a clear mind, I know that this was something that started years before anyone else even knows.  I don't know how it is with other people, but for me this wasn't an over-night thing.  This was a very, very long time building and I can only guess it's not going to be an overnight change either.  The one thing I do know for sure, since it's not a chemical imbalance in my body that's causing this, there's not a chance in fuck I'm going to be using medication in order to help me. (I'm not at risk of harming myself or others just to put any of those thoughts at rest)  I'm looking to solve and fix the problems, not push them into the background so they can come back at some inopportune time.

I've already began taking steps in what I believe is the correct direction.  The first was obviously to come to terms with what's going on with me.  To put my pride aside, ignore the social stigma (especially for men) that can come with admitting you have problems you can't handle alone, and telling those around me what's going on regardless of their reaction.  The second has been to reach out to people and ask as many questions as possible.  People who've suffered depression, those who've sought counseling and therapy when they came to hurdles they couldn't cross alone, and to attempt to repair some relationships while putting others to bed in a way that's healthy.

Apparently in the past two years is when this began manifesting into the problem that it is now.  Not surprising, during that time I've gone through three relationships with three women who are all great but knew I wasn't being who I'd presented when they met me.  I've been doing a great job at acting the part of the person I had been and still thought I was but eventually the problems in my mind would present them-self in one fashion or another and the game would be over.  I hold no ill will towards them as if I met a women (actually did while trying to piece all this together) who acted in a similar fashion I'd probably do the same thing.  The one thing that has been great about the whole experience (gotta take what good I can right?) Is that I've met three amazing people who in-turn introduced me to other amazing people who I still talk to today.  (One of which is a person as mentioned above who's there to answer questions that arise.)

So where do I go from here....Forward!  While I don't have all the tools I know I need yet, what I do have is people who are willing to listen and willing to help, a change in attitude due to the awareness of what's going on, and a general direction to move in.  The first steps upon entering into the unknown are always the first.  Well I'm about 100feet in now and smiling at the possibilities.
-J