Life Changes

Nearly 1 year ago I met the woman I'm going to marry.  I haven't put 'that' ring of her finger quite yet but it's more a matter of finances than anything.  She knows how I feel and we've already discussed wedding plans and the future so I'm not to worried about the ring part.  If nothing else, it allows me to save up for the ring I'd really like to get her instead of just settling for something that'll do the job.

This girl makes me smile, laugh, and feel loved every day when I wake up.  As a member of the human race I'm not sure what else I could ask for?  It's pretty incredible really.  But, like any relationship in life it doesn't come without its diffulties.  You see, she's medically retired out of the military.  She began having seizures while on deployment in Iraq and it's led to a host of other issues.  Now, for those of you who have seizures or who've been around them you know the problems they can cause.  From the falls that can take place to the general issues of having a loved one pass out and convulse and the psychological trauma that can befall people who witness it.  I, myself, don't have any issue with panic or getting upset but her 10 year old son does as many children would who see a parent go through these things.  Needless to say, the disorder doesn't just affect her physical well-being, but seems to have tenticles that reach out to create other problems as well.  And in this case there's a bit of a twist as well....No one has been able to find what's causing them....

We've made countless trips to the local VA for testing, we went to Virginia for a second opinion with a neurosurgeon after something was found on one of the MRI's only to be told that it wasn't anything to be concerned about at this time and all we could do now was monitor it. We've done our own research into it using medical journals and the internet, and we've contacted others with similar issues.  One thing I've definitely learned throughout this whole process is that it pays to be your own advocate when dealing with the VA.

During this time period another symptom has also arisen.  She begun to have serious problems with her legs.  Sever pain, weakness, tingling, numbness... On a good day she uses Canadian crutches to get around on the bad ones she's wheelchair bound.  28 years old and bound to a wheel chair with no specified reason.  It's stressful at times to say the least.

Sometimes it's hard to admit when the stress level heightens.  I see her upset because her son is upset and it's a helpless feeling.  I see what she's going through on the outside but I don't and can't know how she feels because I'm not in her shoes; even if I do help her put them on.  I can only get so close before I can't go any further because it's not my body having the seizures, it's not my license that was taken away for the safety of myself and others, and it's not my child that lives 10 hours away because even though I have custody, his welfare needs to come before the fact I miss him with every ounce of my being.  I can't and will never know many of the feelings that come with her disability.  All I can do it what I try to do daily.  Bring some happiness to her life.  Be involved in things she's interested in and make sure she gets to the places she needs too like Dr's appointments and things she likes like her pottery classes.

To those who've never been in the position of needing to help a loved one, it can be hard to understand that things in our house are different than yours.  Not better, not worse, just different.  I still do many of the things I enjoy I just do them less frequently.  I'm thankful that the VA now has a program to help Vets in this situation and I'm now a paid caretaker for her.  Finding work when you need to have so many days off to take your loved one to appointments is difficult and not something most employers are willing to entertain in this job market when they have so many people to choose from.  I was thankful that earlier this spring I found someone willing to work with me but that ended with the leg problems as we were required to move out of our second story apartment to a single story house a couple hours away.

I'm not sitting at my computer this morning to get anyone down.  On the contrary I wanted to write this to let others know that they're not alone.  I will admit that at times it's harder than I would have imagined being a caretaker for someone but at the same time I wouldn't give it up either.  She's too damn important to me.  I had a 'friend' tell me that he couldn't do it and when he found out how things were going to be he'd have left.  Real good fucking attitude for someone who's getting married fairly soon.  I seriously hope for both their sakes he thinks about the line 'in sickness and in health' real hard before he walks down the isle.  Myself, well I've made that decision.  We're making this journey together, hand in hand, me carrying her fireman style if it's what's required.  I love her and for me, it's definitely worth the struggle.