I was watching Swordfish the other night; the movie starring Hugh Jackman, Hallie Barry, and John Travolta, about a massive scheme to steal money electronically from the government to fund a secret anti-terrorist organization, and Travolta's character asks a question that got me thinking. To paraphrase, he asked Jackmans' character if he could kill a child with the knowledge that that single act would cure all the worlds diseases. The question has been phrased many ways such as could you kill a single innocent person to save a thousands innocents but I believe the basic premise is do the ends always justify the means.
I laid in bed a couple nights thinking about the question and it seemed to breed other questions as I attempted to answer it for myself. I first realized that no matter my answer there is no way in good conscience I can judge another's response. It's definitely a question, that to me at least, has no right or wrong answer. While those types of questions aren't the norm in life, this proves that they do, in-fact, exist.
The next question that came to mind is do I know the single person I'd be responsible for killing or do I know any of the people that would be saved. It's human nature to protect and value the lives of those closest to us so no matter consequences so to believe it wouldn't play a part in the final decision is naive at best. This factor could also make the reverse true. The knowledge that a loved one or close friend could be saved could potentially cause a person to harm a number of innocents to save that single person. Basically it brings the reverse question of 'would you kill a thousand to save a single innocent'. For many if not most parents in the case of their own child I believe this to be a yes. For many if not most countries and governments I believe this to be true also. How many people not directly involved in conflicts have died in wars? Governments call this collateral damage but isn't it really the idea that they'd kill a thousand of yours to save a single one of theirs?
My next question concerned how the kill would take place. Are we talking you're pushing a button and dropping a bomb or would it have to be more personal. History and anecdotal evidence shows us that the act of pushing a button drastically reduces ones inability to commit the act of killing, or murder as it may be. The farther removed from the actual visualization of the death the easier it is to commit. But what about a scenario where you have a thousand people in a gas chamber and a child standing in front of you and all you have is your hands and a knife? Could you do it then? Would the circumstances alter your decision? History and human psychology say yes. How the idea of a loved one in the other room would change this decision, however, I do not know.
The above mentioned questions led me to the decision that I can't make a decision. There are entirely too many variables that come to play to say for sure. I know that if someone comes into my house uninvited with intent to do my family and myself harm I'll do what I can to insure they never do it again. The same goes for acts committed against others in public settings as protection of others falls within my moral guidelines. But when it comes down to the idea of killing an innocent person, even for the betterment of others those same guidelines are thrown out. While those in power, those who run countries and governments are granted the right to make that decision during the voting process, they are so far removed from the actual acts it allows them to make them on a moments notice. Those with boots on the ground I would have to believe have a much more difficult time when they have to see the faces and sleep with the memories of their decisions. While I have no idea what decision I'd make it a real life scenario, I do believe my days of restful, peaceful sleep would be over from that day forward.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Life Changes
Nearly 1 year ago I met the woman I'm going to marry. I haven't put 'that' ring of her finger quite yet but it's more a matter of finances than anything. She knows how I feel and we've already discussed wedding plans and the future so I'm not to worried about the ring part. If nothing else, it allows me to save up for the ring I'd really like to get her instead of just settling for something that'll do the job.
This girl makes me smile, laugh, and feel loved every day when I wake up. As a member of the human race I'm not sure what else I could ask for? It's pretty incredible really. But, like any relationship in life it doesn't come without its diffulties. You see, she's medically retired out of the military. She began having seizures while on deployment in Iraq and it's led to a host of other issues. Now, for those of you who have seizures or who've been around them you know the problems they can cause. From the falls that can take place to the general issues of having a loved one pass out and convulse and the psychological trauma that can befall people who witness it. I, myself, don't have any issue with panic or getting upset but her 10 year old son does as many children would who see a parent go through these things. Needless to say, the disorder doesn't just affect her physical well-being, but seems to have tenticles that reach out to create other problems as well. And in this case there's a bit of a twist as well....No one has been able to find what's causing them....
We've made countless trips to the local VA for testing, we went to Virginia for a second opinion with a neurosurgeon after something was found on one of the MRI's only to be told that it wasn't anything to be concerned about at this time and all we could do now was monitor it. We've done our own research into it using medical journals and the internet, and we've contacted others with similar issues. One thing I've definitely learned throughout this whole process is that it pays to be your own advocate when dealing with the VA.
During this time period another symptom has also arisen. She begun to have serious problems with her legs. Sever pain, weakness, tingling, numbness... On a good day she uses Canadian crutches to get around on the bad ones she's wheelchair bound. 28 years old and bound to a wheel chair with no specified reason. It's stressful at times to say the least.
Sometimes it's hard to admit when the stress level heightens. I see her upset because her son is upset and it's a helpless feeling. I see what she's going through on the outside but I don't and can't know how she feels because I'm not in her shoes; even if I do help her put them on. I can only get so close before I can't go any further because it's not my body having the seizures, it's not my license that was taken away for the safety of myself and others, and it's not my child that lives 10 hours away because even though I have custody, his welfare needs to come before the fact I miss him with every ounce of my being. I can't and will never know many of the feelings that come with her disability. All I can do it what I try to do daily. Bring some happiness to her life. Be involved in things she's interested in and make sure she gets to the places she needs too like Dr's appointments and things she likes like her pottery classes.
To those who've never been in the position of needing to help a loved one, it can be hard to understand that things in our house are different than yours. Not better, not worse, just different. I still do many of the things I enjoy I just do them less frequently. I'm thankful that the VA now has a program to help Vets in this situation and I'm now a paid caretaker for her. Finding work when you need to have so many days off to take your loved one to appointments is difficult and not something most employers are willing to entertain in this job market when they have so many people to choose from. I was thankful that earlier this spring I found someone willing to work with me but that ended with the leg problems as we were required to move out of our second story apartment to a single story house a couple hours away.
I'm not sitting at my computer this morning to get anyone down. On the contrary I wanted to write this to let others know that they're not alone. I will admit that at times it's harder than I would have imagined being a caretaker for someone but at the same time I wouldn't give it up either. She's too damn important to me. I had a 'friend' tell me that he couldn't do it and when he found out how things were going to be he'd have left. Real good fucking attitude for someone who's getting married fairly soon. I seriously hope for both their sakes he thinks about the line 'in sickness and in health' real hard before he walks down the isle. Myself, well I've made that decision. We're making this journey together, hand in hand, me carrying her fireman style if it's what's required. I love her and for me, it's definitely worth the struggle.
This girl makes me smile, laugh, and feel loved every day when I wake up. As a member of the human race I'm not sure what else I could ask for? It's pretty incredible really. But, like any relationship in life it doesn't come without its diffulties. You see, she's medically retired out of the military. She began having seizures while on deployment in Iraq and it's led to a host of other issues. Now, for those of you who have seizures or who've been around them you know the problems they can cause. From the falls that can take place to the general issues of having a loved one pass out and convulse and the psychological trauma that can befall people who witness it. I, myself, don't have any issue with panic or getting upset but her 10 year old son does as many children would who see a parent go through these things. Needless to say, the disorder doesn't just affect her physical well-being, but seems to have tenticles that reach out to create other problems as well. And in this case there's a bit of a twist as well....No one has been able to find what's causing them....
We've made countless trips to the local VA for testing, we went to Virginia for a second opinion with a neurosurgeon after something was found on one of the MRI's only to be told that it wasn't anything to be concerned about at this time and all we could do now was monitor it. We've done our own research into it using medical journals and the internet, and we've contacted others with similar issues. One thing I've definitely learned throughout this whole process is that it pays to be your own advocate when dealing with the VA.
During this time period another symptom has also arisen. She begun to have serious problems with her legs. Sever pain, weakness, tingling, numbness... On a good day she uses Canadian crutches to get around on the bad ones she's wheelchair bound. 28 years old and bound to a wheel chair with no specified reason. It's stressful at times to say the least.
Sometimes it's hard to admit when the stress level heightens. I see her upset because her son is upset and it's a helpless feeling. I see what she's going through on the outside but I don't and can't know how she feels because I'm not in her shoes; even if I do help her put them on. I can only get so close before I can't go any further because it's not my body having the seizures, it's not my license that was taken away for the safety of myself and others, and it's not my child that lives 10 hours away because even though I have custody, his welfare needs to come before the fact I miss him with every ounce of my being. I can't and will never know many of the feelings that come with her disability. All I can do it what I try to do daily. Bring some happiness to her life. Be involved in things she's interested in and make sure she gets to the places she needs too like Dr's appointments and things she likes like her pottery classes.
To those who've never been in the position of needing to help a loved one, it can be hard to understand that things in our house are different than yours. Not better, not worse, just different. I still do many of the things I enjoy I just do them less frequently. I'm thankful that the VA now has a program to help Vets in this situation and I'm now a paid caretaker for her. Finding work when you need to have so many days off to take your loved one to appointments is difficult and not something most employers are willing to entertain in this job market when they have so many people to choose from. I was thankful that earlier this spring I found someone willing to work with me but that ended with the leg problems as we were required to move out of our second story apartment to a single story house a couple hours away.
I'm not sitting at my computer this morning to get anyone down. On the contrary I wanted to write this to let others know that they're not alone. I will admit that at times it's harder than I would have imagined being a caretaker for someone but at the same time I wouldn't give it up either. She's too damn important to me. I had a 'friend' tell me that he couldn't do it and when he found out how things were going to be he'd have left. Real good fucking attitude for someone who's getting married fairly soon. I seriously hope for both their sakes he thinks about the line 'in sickness and in health' real hard before he walks down the isle. Myself, well I've made that decision. We're making this journey together, hand in hand, me carrying her fireman style if it's what's required. I love her and for me, it's definitely worth the struggle.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Learning
Life changes faster than most of realize. Whether it's little things such as a brand of potato chip we like no longer being available or the loss of a loved one, those changes and how we handle them are what eventually define us and our character to those around us. Sometimes, however, changes can bring upon unintended consequences.
I've changed in the past few years in more ways than I realized. This realization has led me to where I am today, which, is not where I'm looking to be if I'm being honest. A few weeks ago it suddenly dawned on me that I had been showing signs of depression. Upon further thought I now believe that I'm still showing the signs. This led me to two places. 1.) An online search for depression tests, and 2.) A meeting with my family (parents and grandparents in my case). The most surprising part to me was their reaction; apparently I changed two plus years ago and everyone saw it but me. It was then I knew how true it was that sometimes, people just have to figure things out on their own.
Looking at things with a clear mind, I know that this was something that started years before anyone else even knows. I don't know how it is with other people, but for me this wasn't an over-night thing. This was a very, very long time building and I can only guess it's not going to be an overnight change either. The one thing I do know for sure, since it's not a chemical imbalance in my body that's causing this, there's not a chance in fuck I'm going to be using medication in order to help me. (I'm not at risk of harming myself or others just to put any of those thoughts at rest) I'm looking to solve and fix the problems, not push them into the background so they can come back at some inopportune time.
I've already began taking steps in what I believe is the correct direction. The first was obviously to come to terms with what's going on with me. To put my pride aside, ignore the social stigma (especially for men) that can come with admitting you have problems you can't handle alone, and telling those around me what's going on regardless of their reaction. The second has been to reach out to people and ask as many questions as possible. People who've suffered depression, those who've sought counseling and therapy when they came to hurdles they couldn't cross alone, and to attempt to repair some relationships while putting others to bed in a way that's healthy.
Apparently in the past two years is when this began manifesting into the problem that it is now. Not surprising, during that time I've gone through three relationships with three women who are all great but knew I wasn't being who I'd presented when they met me. I've been doing a great job at acting the part of the person I had been and still thought I was but eventually the problems in my mind would present them-self in one fashion or another and the game would be over. I hold no ill will towards them as if I met a women (actually did while trying to piece all this together) who acted in a similar fashion I'd probably do the same thing. The one thing that has been great about the whole experience (gotta take what good I can right?) Is that I've met three amazing people who in-turn introduced me to other amazing people who I still talk to today. (One of which is a person as mentioned above who's there to answer questions that arise.)
So where do I go from here....Forward! While I don't have all the tools I know I need yet, what I do have is people who are willing to listen and willing to help, a change in attitude due to the awareness of what's going on, and a general direction to move in. The first steps upon entering into the unknown are always the first. Well I'm about 100feet in now and smiling at the possibilities.
-J
I've changed in the past few years in more ways than I realized. This realization has led me to where I am today, which, is not where I'm looking to be if I'm being honest. A few weeks ago it suddenly dawned on me that I had been showing signs of depression. Upon further thought I now believe that I'm still showing the signs. This led me to two places. 1.) An online search for depression tests, and 2.) A meeting with my family (parents and grandparents in my case). The most surprising part to me was their reaction; apparently I changed two plus years ago and everyone saw it but me. It was then I knew how true it was that sometimes, people just have to figure things out on their own.
Looking at things with a clear mind, I know that this was something that started years before anyone else even knows. I don't know how it is with other people, but for me this wasn't an over-night thing. This was a very, very long time building and I can only guess it's not going to be an overnight change either. The one thing I do know for sure, since it's not a chemical imbalance in my body that's causing this, there's not a chance in fuck I'm going to be using medication in order to help me. (I'm not at risk of harming myself or others just to put any of those thoughts at rest) I'm looking to solve and fix the problems, not push them into the background so they can come back at some inopportune time.
I've already began taking steps in what I believe is the correct direction. The first was obviously to come to terms with what's going on with me. To put my pride aside, ignore the social stigma (especially for men) that can come with admitting you have problems you can't handle alone, and telling those around me what's going on regardless of their reaction. The second has been to reach out to people and ask as many questions as possible. People who've suffered depression, those who've sought counseling and therapy when they came to hurdles they couldn't cross alone, and to attempt to repair some relationships while putting others to bed in a way that's healthy.
Apparently in the past two years is when this began manifesting into the problem that it is now. Not surprising, during that time I've gone through three relationships with three women who are all great but knew I wasn't being who I'd presented when they met me. I've been doing a great job at acting the part of the person I had been and still thought I was but eventually the problems in my mind would present them-self in one fashion or another and the game would be over. I hold no ill will towards them as if I met a women (actually did while trying to piece all this together) who acted in a similar fashion I'd probably do the same thing. The one thing that has been great about the whole experience (gotta take what good I can right?) Is that I've met three amazing people who in-turn introduced me to other amazing people who I still talk to today. (One of which is a person as mentioned above who's there to answer questions that arise.)
So where do I go from here....Forward! While I don't have all the tools I know I need yet, what I do have is people who are willing to listen and willing to help, a change in attitude due to the awareness of what's going on, and a general direction to move in. The first steps upon entering into the unknown are always the first. Well I'm about 100feet in now and smiling at the possibilities.
-J
Friday, September 2, 2011
My entrance into the world of blogging!
I know a few people who've entered into the world of blogging and each of them had the same advice...pick a topic and stick to it! Well, unfortunately A.) I'm not very good at doing what I'm told, and B.) Sticking to a single topic is not the type of person that I am so why would I want to change for this?
All this being said, here's what to expect when reading my thoughts. 1.) My proper use of the English language is more than a little rough. I'm not afraid to admit that I have trouble with things like Then/Than and punctuation so while I'll try to get it right, if you're looking for something written by an English professor you may want to pick someone else's writing to follow. 2.) I may use salty language from time to time. I use it in my every day life and I find sometimes it's needed to make a point. I'm not looking to enter into any news columns so what the hell? Why not present myself as I am? 3.) This will cover a range of topics from current events, sports, and general observations I see while living in this crazy world. The title of this wasn't an accident, my mind wanders constantly and those thoughts are what you're going to get.
As I stated, this is my first entrance into something like this. I've never been afraid of debate or criticism so if you have something to say about my posts, let it rip. I won't write anything I don't honestly believe but at the same time, things change and I'm not one to stick to something just for the sake of saving face. Now, to pick one of the many topics floating around in my melon....
All this being said, here's what to expect when reading my thoughts. 1.) My proper use of the English language is more than a little rough. I'm not afraid to admit that I have trouble with things like Then/Than and punctuation so while I'll try to get it right, if you're looking for something written by an English professor you may want to pick someone else's writing to follow. 2.) I may use salty language from time to time. I use it in my every day life and I find sometimes it's needed to make a point. I'm not looking to enter into any news columns so what the hell? Why not present myself as I am? 3.) This will cover a range of topics from current events, sports, and general observations I see while living in this crazy world. The title of this wasn't an accident, my mind wanders constantly and those thoughts are what you're going to get.
As I stated, this is my first entrance into something like this. I've never been afraid of debate or criticism so if you have something to say about my posts, let it rip. I won't write anything I don't honestly believe but at the same time, things change and I'm not one to stick to something just for the sake of saving face. Now, to pick one of the many topics floating around in my melon....
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